Ich hasse meine Gefühle
I hate that you don’t see me as I wish
I hate that you make me so confused
I hate that when I’m with you I feel happy
I hate that you expect things to be a certain way when they can only be one way
I hate that you think certain things aren’t worth anything unless the begin with sparks
I hate that I want to spend with you
I hate that I made you uncomfortable
I hate that I would rather you spend time with me than do your other commitments
I hate myself for my feelings
I hate being able to be totally and completely honest with you
I hate that you don’t want me to go but don’t want me to stay
I hate that when I am with you I am able to feel and I don’t know if you are
I hate uncertainty
I hate not knowing if I can make you happy
I hate that you think I shouldn’t want you because of your flaws
I hate that you don’t believe you deserve to give yourself to something unless it has a glimmer of perfection
I hate that when I see you I can’t stop touching you
I hate that I can’t hide my emotions
I hate that you aren’t capable of feeling
I hate that you won’t open your eyes and see things as they are, but you only see them as you want them to be
I don’t really hate you; these are more like frustrations because I know I am capable of caring about you; it kills me that you aren’t sure if you feel the same. I know that I am not your "perfect" person but I know that you should be able to see past someone's flaws. I know we shouldn’t have done some of the things we have done... but it has happened... and part of maturity is knowing how to move forward and fix things if you must. I don’t know why I am like this... I don’t know if I am terrible person for saying these things. I don’t know why, but this is me, and this is who I am. In my eyes when you like someone you should be willing to tweak your schedule a little bit and let them in.... If you aren’t able to let other people in, you’re never going to be able to be fully happy. You can’t write about things that you have no experience with. If you have never loved someone fully and given them every ounce of yourself, hoping that they don’t crush you, but knowing there is a chance that they will; then you’ve never experienced true bliss. You prefer to be "blissfully ignorant" and not face what is in front of you (and that bothers me). I don’t know you well enough after a week to make decisions involving you, and I shouldn’t have to. I am happy that you are able to be honest with me and tell me the truth, but I am angry that you don’t know what you want. You want a perfect Hollywood romance movie, but I don’t know if I am able to do that for you. I don’t know if I want to… but, I think I could be if you wanted it as well. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable; I want you to be happy. I am sorry if I came on too strong, but that’s just who I am. I am willing to work out problems as long as you are too. I enjoy doing things with people; I enjoy going out, not that I expect that all the time, but its just part of me and who I am. I am willing to close my eyes and jump if you are. I really don’t know why I am the way I am, I guess its because of my belief in fate and how things will happen if they are meant to be.... but that doesn’t mean that everything has to ride on a perfect golden path. Fate plays mysterious games with our minds and hearts, but eventually things will make sense. I like that you are able to tell me things that you know I wont like, but you feel you need to tell me anyway; but I also hate that you tell me things that I don’t want to hear. I am willing to work things out inside myself. I hate that you see the world emotionless, but I want to show you how to feel and be a whole person! I never thought that I would be able to be happy with someone else. And it just totally sucks that you don’t know if you can because it isn’t the way you “do things.” You can’t regret things that you have done. When you start trying to change the past, you’re focusing more on that than what you should be focused on. Have you ever, once in your life been truly happy? Why are you scared, just because I am not your perfect muse? Why can’t you just close your eyes and jump. I am willing, but you have to be as well. I am a terrible person sometimes, but that’s who I am, and I'm sure you know my flaws by now as well. I know that we shouldn’t have spent 5 out of 7 nights together, but I thought you felt the same. So I kept going down that path, but once again, you can’t regret things because it just turns into a vicious never ending cycle. I want to be with you.... but at the same time, I am not sure right now. I don’t know why I feel the way I do, but my feelings are genuine and that’s how I hope to keep things with you.
I love kissing you
I love the way you hold me before sleep
I love that you make the strangest noises when you sleep
I love your smile
I love the way you look at me
I want the love list to be longer than the hate list
I want you to be happy. One of my biggest flaws is being self-less. I would much rather sacrifice my own happiness for someone else’s, I can’t tell you how many times I have done that before. Just be who you are, and if things don’t work, then it was never meant to be, but it is not fair to fate (which I know you believe in) to automatically shut the door where perfection no longer exists
Remember, very few things last forever... but that doesn’t mean they don’t change you and your outlook on life. You never know what something could hold until you give it a chance and look at it for what it really is.
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
I'm Loving Life Right Now :o)
Sorry I havent updated in what seems like forever, Ive been meaning too, but Ive been way too busy with work... and... a new boy :D
His name is Andy, shut up... I know Raggedy Anne and Andy... hush, weve already been there... but anyways, hes super awesome! I know I sound like a 15 year old girl... all giggily and shit, but hey, Im happy so leave me alone... I was kinda sad tho, because last night Angela and William invited us to go to a movie, but he had to work so he couldnt come... oh well, Im not pissed or anything, but I really wanted him to come... and I felt like it was kinda my fault that he hadnt gotten a lot of his stuff done... but its cool, were going out tonight when he gets done rehearsing with his band... so yay! His current work is editing a film and the totally cool thing was that on Friday night he let me watch what he had finished so far and then asked me what I didnt like about it, and I felt so bad because he had done so much work and I felt like I was destorying something... but again, it was cool because I was one of the only people who have seen it... so that was really cool... and weve hung out a lot and its great... im very happy....
Ive also been working a lot the past few weeks because of spring break kids... I must say that today was great..... please keep in mind that I usually despise Saturdays at Rainforest, but today was great... I made $134, and tipped out $35... so that means that before tip out I made about 170... how totally awesome is that for just 4 1/2 hours, how totally awesome is that... plus it wasa good too because I didnt get angry at people like I normally do... so yay!
Other than that... I really havent been doing that much... work is good... love life is good... so that totally rocks... oh and on Monday I told AJ that I had met someone and he didnt freak out on me or anything.. not that I thought he would, but I have a terrible memory of doing pretty much the same thing about a year and a half ago, and it didnt turn out to well... he was just very happy for me and yeah... so life is wunderbar! Or as AJ would say things just keep getting better und besser... (he thinks a language shift shows enthusiam or gets the point accross better... or something like that) So anyways kids... hope things are going well in your lives :o)
~Auf Wiederschrieben~
Yay For a Day Off!
Well I woke up at 2ish today to my phone ringing... it was Tunde and he was inviting me to a party in Arlington... It would have been great to see everyone because without school I rarely see anyone who lives out there. But I have to work at 10:45 tomorrow morning, and I just went out to Arlington last night to hang out with AJ and yeah, so I told Jennifer that as much as I would love to go, I cant because of work and I dont want to drive home from Arlington at 1am the second day in a row... so yeah. Were gonna get together an hang out sometime on Friday tho, which will be fabulous :)
I didnt have to work today, so I stayed home and kept myself away from the stupid people of society and spent most of my time playing tetris attack and doing stuff on the computer.. Im still in my pjs :o) hehe but its okay, I think its well deserved! I am trying to beat the super hard level, and I get to one point and just keep dying... so that kind of sucks, biut oh well...
Shannon picked up my pm shift last night because I was just having a horrible day. I hate having to depend on other people to pay my bills for me. I hope tomorrow goes a lot better than yesterday was. If it goes super well, then I will probably stay and pick up a pm as well. I just wanted to get out of there last night... I was about to kill myself, or kill someone at least >:) hehe
AJ and I went to On The Border last night... it was all kinds of yummy. And then we got home and I invited Kristen to come over and hang out with us, but she had to work today so it didnt happen. Ryan and Robin got back from Alabama last night as well... I had fun playing against Robin on tetris attack... I beat her 3 times I think, 2 of them were flukes, but one time she said I actually kicked her ass, which was pretty gratifying... it makes the hours ive wasted in the past week on that game almost worth it :)
Well kids, thats about it... I cant think of much else to say... this is going to be one of my shorter posts.... Hope my life doesnt sound too boring :) jk Love ya!
Auf Wiederschrieben!
How I Love Rainforest.....*please note sarcasm*
Sooo I worked 10 hours today, my first double in forever... it was a decent day, nothing too spectacular... except for a story... so here goes....
I was carrying a tray of drinks to my table 2 kids drinks (w/ lids) and an ice tea. Well Im on my way to the table and this lady is completely oblivious to everything going on... runs right smack into me causing my tray to fall and the tea to spill all over the floor and most importantly onto this lady at another table. The bitch that caused the spillage looked at me and the floor and kept walking without ever apologizing... thats what first made me mad, because it wasnt even my fault... so the lady that got the tea on her jumps out of her chair freaking out (ok for the non tea informed, such as this lady... tea is mostly water!) screaming about how its in her hair and crap. I said i was sorry and asked if she was okay, all that crap and Fran was standing there while I went back to get stuff to clean with so no one slipped in the water and stuff. Lee (our manager) went out there to talk to her and see if she wanted a new shirt to wear for the day until she got home... blah blah... well after i left he continues talking to her. Well I was in the kitchen remaking the drinks Lee came in and asked if I apologized to her, I said I did. So he went back out there and next time i talked to him he said that she didnt hear me and no one else had either. He reccomended that I go out there and do it again. I was like fuck that, its not my fault she totally flipped and was screaming about some fucking tea "in her hair" and couldnt hear me apologizing. also... it wasnt even my fault... but alas, of course that didnt matter. I wish I could have spilled tea on the lady who bumped into me, that would have been nice >:) *evil smile*
Well a little while later, one of my tables stopped Lee on his way to the kitchen and said what a good job i did and all that good stuff. Lee tole me and I was like there ya go :) who would have thought otherwise. I wish I could tell people how much crap I get all over my hands, pants, shoes and shirt everyday when they freak out about little things like tea getting on them... grr!
I did make $127 today... the lunch was good, but the dinner side blew. I think I had 3 tables at once one time and that was only because one got sat right when another was paying out. But yesterday... damn yesterday rocked! Between 11 and 3:30 I made $107 and it was ALL credit card tips. It was so gratifying for Lee to give me a $107 before I left yesterday... man it was awesome, and on Saturday I made $112 on just an AM shift as well. This weekend rocked. I wish I already had everything paid tho, and I would have the money for myself... oh well.
So afterwork today Kristen, Ashely, Leah, Monesa and I went to Saltgrass (yay for 50% off!) and we had a great time... but the service blew chunks! We were talkng to this other waiter Jerry who works there (we had him before) and we were like is she new or something? Apparently, this horrible waitress is a trainer. We were like no fucking way! She was so awful. My steak was underdone (I like mine medium and this cow was still bleedin rare) but she never came back to check on us so I just ate it anyways, plus other stuff.... so yeah... Our bill after the discount was $73 I think we ended up leaving her $25... Leah had put her price on her debit card (shes a hostess so she never had cash :D) and we told her to keep whatever was left in the book for her tip... which as I said was $25, well she brought Leahs card back and didnt even say thanks to us! That made us soo mad... we should have slipped Jerry some money because he did most of the work for us anyways. Grrness! Oh well, at least we had good company so it wasnt that bad. Kristen and I already had a Saltgrass date planned for Wednesday and we found out that Kerry was working so we are definately gonna ask for him next time and all will be well...
I saw Downfall on Saturday night with AJ. Its a German film about Hitlers last days in his bunker during WWII... great film. Im usually not too fond of war films but this one was exceptional. I wouldnt mind seeing again... especially since I wont have to read the subtitles as much and can pay more attention to details. I mentioned it to my Dad and he said that we would like to go see it on Wednesday night. I dont know how I feel about going to a movie with my father, but if nancy comes, I guess it will be okay. Well i think ive written enough... got some good stories out....
Oh shit, almost forgot... Sunday morning I woke up at 8:50, the latest I can leave I can leave and still be on time for 9:30 opening is 8:45... so I called RFC and Lee picked up (thank god) and I told him I had slept thru my alarm clock and I was gonna be about 15 minutes late. He said "Well you better bring some doughnuts!" I asked him what kind, he wanted Krispy Kremes. I was like dude, you do realize thats gonna make me like 15 minutes LATER. he was like I dont care just bring me some doughnuts. Im like alrighty.... so i got to the KK drive thru and sat there for over 15 minutes. I called him again from there just to let him know I was working on it but it was taking longer than planned. he was like its cool, I just want my doughnuts. Im like alrighty, hes telling me/giving me permission to be late. So yeah, I got there and he had his own personal stash of Krispy Kremes, and he told everyone that if he saw anyone trying to break into the office take all the money, but dont touch the doughnuts... he was joking of course.. but it was funny...
Okay now Im done :) I need to get to bed, or make an attempt because I have to work another double tomorrow....
Auf Wiederschrieben!
:o)
*GASP* $70.25?
Hey kids! So I went to Wal Mart tonight after I got off work... my main goal was to get new pants for work because they have developed a hole and I can no longer comfortably wear them for longer than a few hours. Plus I also needed to get razor blades and shampoo and other crap like that. Well so I was just picking stuff up, not really noticing how much it cost. Then when I checked out and she told me the total was $70.25. I was like holy fuck! I mean, its not like I didnt have the money or anything, I had a great night at work, I just wasnt expecting to spend it all at once. So new topic....
For the first time... I think ever, I actually have absolutely nothing to bitch about from work tonight. I worked from 5-9:30 and made $94. My sales were 600 and yeah. So that was pretty exciting. I was talking to my friend Ashley and we have established that when we wear our hair down at work we tend to get better tips. Not quite sure why... but hey, u gotta do what works :o)
Friday afternoon I took the train up to Mockingbird Station, met Donna at the Noodle Kitchen, had some totally awesome Thai food... saw Finding Neverland.... I cried, yes I did. It was very good, but so damn sad tho. Oh well. And then we met her friend Kathy at El Finex and had some yummy mexican food. Good day in all, we had a lot of fun watching Johnny Depp :) Did u know that in German "depp" means retard?? Kinda funny if u ask me....
I worked Saturday morning. I wasnt in a checker section, but at least it was decent unlike the past few Saturdays that I have worked with James. But Brandon was food running and he replaced me. But I didnt care as much because as I said I was in a good section... Phatima and I thought James was somking something because he put us in sections right next to eachother (which he never does) and put us on a party together... craziness! But good craziness! I made 80 bucks I think??? Then after I got off work I rushed home to clean up and then met AJ at Cafe Brazil, thinking it wouldnt take us more than an hour to get our food and eat and stuff because we needed to make a movie at 7:20. But alas, things never turn out as planned. So yeah, we ended up just going back to his apartment (in arlington) for a bit and saw the 9:50 show. We saw Head On.... its a German film, also in Turkish... sorry i dont remember the German title. It was an excellent film... but I dont know if I would ever see it again. Its like one of those movies u see once and never again. I dont mind reading Subtitles, but after 2 hours it kinda gets to you. I heard from my dad (not that hes a great source of information) that there going to be releasing Downfall, it was the German film nominated for Best Foreign Film at the Academy Awards, pretty soon. Im not too into war movies, but it looks really cool. So anyways, after the movie and driving back to arlington we started to watch Run Ronnie Run but it was a little after 1, and I had to leave or else I would have had to stay at his apt. So I got home about 2, I was so fucking tired. I dont know how I got home, I was on the phone the whole time to keep me awake, I think without it, I would have hit a wall or something... which wouldnt have been that fun.
I went to my first baby shower on Sunday. It was interesting, pretty boring tho, I cant wait until all my friends start having kids and I have to go to them all the time... please note my sarcasm... but anyways. But it was for Melissa and she hates those stupid games, so we didnt have to play any... which was the best part ;)
So yeah, thats about it, I think I filled in everyone on the events of my weekend and such. sooooo
~Auf Wiederschrieben~
A Stuffy Nose and Head Makes a Not Happy Annie.... and other stuff
So Ive been sick since Sunday, at first I thought it was because I didnt sleep at all on Saturday night and after I slept I would feel better... nope! I have taken some meds but nothing really helped... I went to Wal Mart today to get some different stuff and I picked up a Vicks Vapor Inhaler and I can breathe thru my nose once again. yay!
I got sooo pissed off at work on Sunday (not that this is unusal) but I think this had to be a pinnacle... or at least somewhere really close to it. I opened, as I do EVERY Saturday and Sunday, and James was manager... I dont know why exactly, but he hates me, as I have stated many times before, I rarely fuck up, but for some reason this man despises me! So he put me in section 11, just as bad as the previous 2 Saturdays of putting me in section 7. So I was already pissed... And of course I didnt get replaced, not like it was a big deal, technically you can make some more money in the time between replacements and am cuts, but damn it, I was tired, I felt like crap and people were some kinda shitty to me! So I was irate! I made 10% on every table except 2, and those tips were like 5 on 25 or 4 on 20, still 20% but it really doesnt do much when youre getting nothing on $75 and crap like that. Well so as I said I was already mad, and if I didnt have to make my rent money, I probably would have considered walking out, but of course I couldnt. So as I said most of my tips were 10% or less, and my sales were $400... I dont know how in the hell this happened but after tip out I still had $80!??! I think what happened was when someone paid me in cash some bills got stuck together and they didnt realize it and neither did I, so oh well... as a few people told me at work "dont look a gift horse in the mouth" Are there really gift horses, because if there are, I would love to have one for myself :)
So after spending most of Monday in bed due to my sickness, I went to AJs about 11:30pm. I played tetris attack, omg, that game is fucking addicting :) I spent about 2 hours trying to find a place such as Game Stop or something that still carried used Super NES games. I was pointed in the direction of this place called CGX in Stonebriar mall... they had a bunch of shit, but not the game I was looking for... however, there is a good part, he ordered the game for me from another store and its $7! I get to pick it up on Saturday... I guess that made my day worthwile.
So AJ did come over on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning... we hung out, watched some Penn & Teller Bullshit. It was strange, but good, but still strange. I didnt feel anything at all when I kissed him, this has never happened before. As I said its a good thing, but it was just different.... by no means am I saying his kissing skills have decreased :) but there was no emotion or anything behind it. Which is a good thing because I dont need to do that to myself again, and he doesnt need to deal with that stuff from me. So yeah, we had fun 0:-) and it was fabulous because as I said, it didnt mean anything, and I had no emotional attachment to the situation at all. For those of you who dont know, this a big deal for me, because no matter what, in times before, no matter the situation, I still had something for him, emotional or whatever you want to call it. But now, I am comfortable and not getting pissed off because of stupid shit... yay! If you havent noticed, this makes me happy. Altough some people reading this might be like... how can an emotion-less kiss make someone happy... youd have to know the whole story to understand... I do still care a whole lot about him, and yes, I love him... but its not a passionate love, its youre a big part of who I am and always will be, and I love your friendship-kinda-love.
Donna is off work on Thursday and Friday, and one of those days were gonna go see Finding Neverland at the Angelika... its the only place I know of that is still showing it, plus I love the Angelika anyways. I cant believe I still havent seen that movie, but oh well, by the end of this week that part of my life will be complete... lol
Well I think that I need to get to bed, at least lay down, relax and read... I have to work tomorrow so I better feel better... its Kids Night... oh fun...
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
