A One-Sided View

Frustrated Much?

So fuck....

Yeah, that about covers my current situation right now. I don’t know what to do, I have all these conflicting feelings inside myself... my mind is telling me one thing, my heart is saying another... and my sexual needs are telling me something that I am desperately trying not to listen to.... I’ve had more ups and downs in the past 2 weeks, than I should ever have in a relationship with someone... One minute he’s telling me one thing and then acting a complete polar opposite the next time we see each other. I appreciate honesty, don’t get me wrong.. but if you’re going to say something, please stick by your words and follow then through with corresponding actions. I enjoy Andy’s company but I don’t enjoy the emotional roller coaster that I have been through. I am so angry with myself for developing feelings for someone so quickly just to have then shot down and then brought back to life a few days later. How can I change this? There are a few options, but I don’t know which one I would prefer at the moment. I just had a long conversation with AJ about this, he said some things to me that I haven’t realized yet. There’s no hope unless something changes quickly; mainly because I don’t want (or need) to put myself thru this. I went thru this shit in High School and thought that I was past this sort of thing... but here it is, in front of me once more and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore... I don’t want to. I like you damn it.... I wanted to kiss you so badly before I left tonight... but I didn’t. I am giving you what you wanted... I hope you’ve realized what this involves. Why don’t you know what you want... what’s wrong with you? Why did you seem like you were sad when I didn’t know if I felt like coming over tonight? How can I change this... once again there are only a few options...
#1 leave you alone, let you realize what you want from me
#2 continue on the path I am and risk getting hurt
#3 leave you alone for good
or #4 You admit that you want to be with me and we basically start over, even though that’s pretty much impossible because in the state of mind I am right now, you’re going to have to do a lot of make up work to cover your mistakes

One of the things AJ said to me earlier was that I need to think of why I like Andy and why I want to be with him... here are my reasons
#1 Interesting person
#2 Intelligent conversations (most of the time)
#3 He’s talented and doing what he wants to do, and is going to make something of himself
#4 I feel comfortable around him

I said this to him and basically his response was that there are many people out there who are interesting and doing things with their lives that will be more willing to include you in their lives. Good point.

I just want to know what he wants, when I know that then we can work things out and see what happens. Just fuck... I don’t know anymore... and the main problem I see is that I don’t know what I want anymore. This is a bad thing. Am I willing to try even though I don’t know if his heart is fully in it, or should I give up know and count my losses and move on. I don’t know. This would be much easier if I truly knew where he stood, but of course I don’t.
I felt like such a bitch tonight when I was leaving. Here's the mind/heart conflict again... my brain is telling me don’t be stupid don’t kiss him good bye but my heart is like come on you know you want to. FUCKER! I hate having uncertainty in my life, especially a type that I can control, but cant. I don’t deal with it as everyone can see in my past few posts. Total GRRR! Bah!

I have to ask myself is this really worth my time... does he miss me... me as in my presence or just the presence of someone around to spend time with and doesn’t get annoyed by his actions. I don’t know this. However, I do know that I need to find this out quickly or I will die because of insanity. Another problem is that I don’t know where we stand so I don’t know what I can do... I don’t mean this in a controlling sort of way, which might be what some of you are thinking... I mean I don’t know if I can see other people... or fuck other people if you will (this is where my previous statement of my sexual needs comes into play).

I have given Andy everything I can, now its his turn to make some choices... but as much as I hate to say it, if he doesn’t make any decisions soon I am going to have to make one and I don’t know if either one of us will like what that’s going to be.

Am I going to get anything out of this relationship... is he going to teach me anything about life that I don’t already know... what will I learn from him... what will he learn from me... and once again... am I worth this... is this what you call settling... once again... the uncertainty is creeping up on me and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have loved deeply before, given myself to someone completely... that is not what I am scared of... I am scared of not having someone’s heart fully be involved and wondering if I am doing this for the right reasons....

Until next time...

~Auf Wiederschrieben!

posted by Annie @ 4:35 PM