A One-Sided View

Ich hasse meine Gefühle

I hate that you don’t see me as I wish
I hate that you make me so confused
I hate that when I’m with you I feel happy
I hate that you expect things to be a certain way when they can only be one way
I hate that you think certain things aren’t worth anything unless the begin with sparks
I hate that I want to spend with you
I hate that I made you uncomfortable
I hate that I would rather you spend time with me than do your other commitments
I hate myself for my feelings
I hate being able to be totally and completely honest with you
I hate that you don’t want me to go but don’t want me to stay
I hate that when I am with you I am able to feel and I don’t know if you are
I hate uncertainty
I hate not knowing if I can make you happy
I hate that you think I shouldn’t want you because of your flaws
I hate that you don’t believe you deserve to give yourself to something unless it has a glimmer of perfection
I hate that when I see you I can’t stop touching you
I hate that I can’t hide my emotions
I hate that you aren’t capable of feeling
I hate that you won’t open your eyes and see things as they are, but you only see them as you want them to be

I don’t really hate you; these are more like frustrations because I know I am capable of caring about you; it kills me that you aren’t sure if you feel the same. I know that I am not your "perfect" person but I know that you should be able to see past someone's flaws. I know we shouldn’t have done some of the things we have done... but it has happened... and part of maturity is knowing how to move forward and fix things if you must. I don’t know why I am like this... I don’t know if I am terrible person for saying these things. I don’t know why, but this is me, and this is who I am. In my eyes when you like someone you should be willing to tweak your schedule a little bit and let them in.... If you aren’t able to let other people in, you’re never going to be able to be fully happy. You can’t write about things that you have no experience with. If you have never loved someone fully and given them every ounce of yourself, hoping that they don’t crush you, but knowing there is a chance that they will; then you’ve never experienced true bliss. You prefer to be "blissfully ignorant" and not face what is in front of you (and that bothers me). I don’t know you well enough after a week to make decisions involving you, and I shouldn’t have to. I am happy that you are able to be honest with me and tell me the truth, but I am angry that you don’t know what you want. You want a perfect Hollywood romance movie, but I don’t know if I am able to do that for you. I don’t know if I want to… but, I think I could be if you wanted it as well. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable; I want you to be happy. I am sorry if I came on too strong, but that’s just who I am. I am willing to work out problems as long as you are too. I enjoy doing things with people; I enjoy going out, not that I expect that all the time, but its just part of me and who I am. I am willing to close my eyes and jump if you are. I really don’t know why I am the way I am, I guess its because of my belief in fate and how things will happen if they are meant to be.... but that doesn’t mean that everything has to ride on a perfect golden path. Fate plays mysterious games with our minds and hearts, but eventually things will make sense. I like that you are able to tell me things that you know I wont like, but you feel you need to tell me anyway; but I also hate that you tell me things that I don’t want to hear. I am willing to work things out inside myself. I hate that you see the world emotionless, but I want to show you how to feel and be a whole person! I never thought that I would be able to be happy with someone else. And it just totally sucks that you don’t know if you can because it isn’t the way you “do things.” You can’t regret things that you have done. When you start trying to change the past, you’re focusing more on that than what you should be focused on. Have you ever, once in your life been truly happy? Why are you scared, just because I am not your perfect muse? Why can’t you just close your eyes and jump. I am willing, but you have to be as well. I am a terrible person sometimes, but that’s who I am, and I'm sure you know my flaws by now as well. I know that we shouldn’t have spent 5 out of 7 nights together, but I thought you felt the same. So I kept going down that path, but once again, you can’t regret things because it just turns into a vicious never ending cycle. I want to be with you.... but at the same time, I am not sure right now. I don’t know why I feel the way I do, but my feelings are genuine and that’s how I hope to keep things with you.

I love kissing you
I love the way you hold me before sleep
I love that you make the strangest noises when you sleep
I love your smile
I love the way you look at me

I want the love list to be longer than the hate list

I want you to be happy. One of my biggest flaws is being self-less. I would much rather sacrifice my own happiness for someone else’s, I can’t tell you how many times I have done that before. Just be who you are, and if things don’t work, then it was never meant to be, but it is not fair to fate (which I know you believe in) to automatically shut the door where perfection no longer exists

Remember, very few things last forever... but that doesn’t mean they don’t change you and your outlook on life. You never know what something could hold until you give it a chance and look at it for what it really is.


~Auf Wiederschrieben!

posted by Annie @ 4:31 PM