One Hell of a Week
So I guess lets start with Monday...
James had asked me to pick up Monday morning because they apparently it was going to be busy. I came in at 11:30 and was cut by 12:30. Angela had to work a pm and I was still debating if I wanted to pick up at night or not so I just hung around with her... I was her shopping buddy and then we went to see Hitch. By the time that was over it way about 4ish so she did a little more shopping and then I decided to head home. I just wasn’t in the mood to work. So I sat in shitty traffic the whole was home because dumb me left during rush hour.... grrr. And the whole was home I was thinking about my feelings towards someone and how frustrated I am with myself and our "relationship" because 1. I didn’t know what it was and 2. I couldn't keep lying to myself about my feelings. I called him on Sunday night and said I need to talk to you, its very important. So he called me later on Monday night and I went to Arlington and we talked. I was having issues, like usual, with speaking when it comes to my feelings. I eventually said it... I'm still in love with you and I can’t lie to myself anymore. There it’s out in the open now. I also told him how frustrated I was because I didn’t know what were... if we were just fuck buddies or more than that. So in a short version... were dating. Which means that we can both see other people, I don’t know if I could deal with him seeing another girl. I think Id get hurt. We'll see.... I was like why can’t we just be normal?? He said, well I think this is the most normal we have ever been. I guess he’s right... but its still so frustrating when you know you love someone and can't have them is your.... however, I wouldn’t think of that as needy, I do love him.... ok done with that....
On to Tuesday....
I worked a pm since I didn’t make any money on the supposed "busy" day, so I went and picked up. I was gonna meet AJ and Ryan at Saltgrass, so I told Phatima that I would take her home since it’s basically on the way. No big deal. We stopped at the chevron we always stop at on the way to her house. I get in the left hand lane which is straight or left, because right after the light you have to take this little road to get to 360 (where she lives). Well the light turns green and this guy in the lane next to me turns left in front of me from the fucking center lane which is straight only! I hit his rear driver’s side door and fucked up the front right side of my car. He immediately drove off so we followed him, got the license plate info because we thought he was driving off. He ended up pulling into a parking lot and we followed. He got out of his car and said "What the fuck happened?!?" I was like excuse me; you tell me what the fuck happened. He claimed that my lane was left only and his was straight or left.... I argued with him knowing it was his fault and I was right because I take that way every time I take Phatima home from work. He gave up. I asked him for his insurance stuff and he didn’t have any because he said it was "his moms car" aka code for I don’t have any. I got a phone number from him and gave him mine... I think his is fake, because I’ve never gotten anyone to pick up when I call him and he still has yet to call me. Stupid... I didn’t give him my info because he didn’t have any, and he could have filed a claim on me and I couldn’t do anything about my problem! Grr again! We left, and I called Nancy and told her about it. She wasn’t mad or anything, she wouldn’t have any reason to because it’s not my fault.... but still its annoying. I went on to take Phatima home and went to Saltgrass with AJ and then came home... that’s that for Tuesday...
On to Wednesday....
My mom had called me on Tuesday night because her father is in the hospital in Oklahoma City and she needed a way to get up there since my aunt had already left. I talked to my brother and he said he would drive from Denton if I got up there. I didn’t really want to drive right after being in an accident. So we went up there. It was really awkward because I really didn’t know my grandfather. I haven’t seen him since my mom had a heart attack when I was in Junior High. So I felt really out of place. Jeff and I spent most of our time in the waiting room. We left after a little while because my mom had told me that she didn’t want to stay too long so she didn’t freak out and start crying uncontrollably. We drove home, my brother was his usual selfish self... and it was annoying to drive with him because he kept bitching about everything. We finally got home about 9ish and I took my car to Nancy's and they looked at the damage from the accident. Nancy doesn’t think its worth enough to even cover the deductible so we might not even make a claim unless that guy calls anytime soon.... its not bad, its just a pretty issue and the passenger door makes a terrible sound when you open it....
Thursday....
I was sleeping great until I got a phone call from my Aunt about 1pm saying that my grandfather had taken turn for the worst and we needed to get to OKC ASAP. I had no money, mom had no money... we ended up borrowing some money from Donna for gas to get us there and back. It took us forever to leave because we had to wait till we knew we had money and yeah... we didn’t end up leaving till almost 3:30 or 4. We were about 15 miles outside of OKC when my Aunt called again at 6:30 saying that he had passed away at 5:10. My mom didn’t want to go in the first place, so she wanted to just turn around and head back. But she said that we needed to come... so we did. It took us forever to find the hospital because the directions she gave us were totally fucked up... so we went back the way we had come the previous day and got horribly lost because we missed the exit and then took a road that went parallel to the road we were looking for... a terrible mess. We finally got there my aunt was pissed at us because we took so long. I was then mad at her. Oh well. We didn’t stay that long because there wasn’t much we could do... plus the guy from the funeral home was waiting to take him there. So on the way back we stopped in Norman went to Joes Crab Shack and then met my friend Leah at Starbucks, which was a highlight of the trip. Then we went straight back. It was totally dark because we left Starbucks about 10pm... So we got home about 1 am and I came home and went straight to sleep...
Now for Friday...
I didn’t do anything at all until AJ and I went to see King Fu Hustle.... which is very funny! I loved it, and plus, it was actually a good movie. We came back to my apt and Jen and had invited a bunch of people over. So there went my hopes for having any fun... he left about 2ish, I think, and then I went to bed.... good day
Saturday....
I traded Rich for his double because I needed the money like crazy bad. I know Saturdays suck, so I wasn’t expecting much. But I really didn’t want to work almost 12 hours! I got there at 11:30am and was walking out the back door at 11pm. People who got there at 3 were finishing and leaving before me. I totally bitched out Brandie, the host, in front of some tables and I really didn’t care. It was bullshit that I was still there just getting tables when there are people who have been there 1/2 the time I have that are cleaning their sections so they can get out of there. I made decent money, not what I would have asked for, but oh well...
Sunday...
After working almost 12 hours I woke up and opened at 9:30am. It wasn’t a bad day... after work I went to AJs grandparents’ house and his grandfather and Donna changed my oil because I had to drive to OKC one more time for the funeral today. Plus it needed it anyways. It took us awhile but when it was all done, we had dinner and AJ, his grandmother, Donna and I talked for a bit and then he had to leave to go tutor. So then I headed back to Plano because I had to get up early this morning for a long drive.
Today...
I woke up a little bit late but I just took quick shower to make up for it. I went to my moms picked up her, tom, and Jeff and we made out way to okc. I had to speed most of the way because we got a late start because we had wait for Jeff. We got the funeral home after driving the wrong way down a street because stupid map quest gave us the wrong directions. Once again... total weirdness. I am kind of angry because I didn’t know him at all. People kept talking about the things he had done. Apparently he worked for the USAF at Tinker Air Force Base as an engineer and he even had a patent for a safety compartment on the B52 bombers. Did I know this.... no. He sounded like he was a really great person but I had no idea who he was and he had no idea what I did. His 2nd wife, my step grandmother, is mostly to blame for this... and that makes me so angry. She’s done a lot of wrong things to my mom too, which also bothers me. His step grandkids knew him better than I did. Grrr! Well so we left there and made our way back one last time. My brother kept bitching about how he was hungry but he had no money. Stop bitching... just ask if someone would buy you dinner and let that be it. I don’t respond well to bitchiness or whining. So we got back... in one piece... barely. And now I’m here and I don’t want to get in my car if at all possible tomorrow, but I will because I have to pick up at work because I still need money for rent.
Alrighty kids... Hope all is well in your part of the world. Love to all!
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
The Enchanted Forest
Ok So Wednesday night I had a table, it was one of the kid's birthdays... not abnormal
They had brought the gifts as well... not abnormal
One of the presents has some glitter in it and the child thought it would be funny (Im guessing) to pout the bag with the glitter in it all over the floor.... ABNORMAL!
WTF? The parents didn't seem to care either... it was all over the chair, the girls clothes (dont care about that) and it covered the floor around that table. And because I had to walk thru it, it got all over (and it still all over) my shoes. Because it was all over the floor, anyone else that walked by or around that table got it on their shoes, thus tracking it all over the restaurant.
I tried to sweep up what I could, but those of you who have played with glitter before know that is thin and impossible to get off the floor. All it accomplished was getting some of it in the broom and not much off the floor... thus ruining the broom. So when I was ready to leave I talked to Lee and said...
"A troll committed suicide by my table and his insides are every where and I cant get them off the floor."
He told me to just leave it alone and in the morning when they clean the floors it should come up. However... it didnt... its still there and expanding. So now, weve decided that its part of the floor and the rainforest is now an enchanted forest because its all sparkly!
Side note: Anyone who has kids or ever wants them... please dont let them throw shit all over the floor... someone has to clean it up. Glitter has by far been the worst, but anything from cheerios to wrapping paper... is it really that hard to keep on the table. Yes, and I do realize that children make a mess... but it cant be that hard to help keep the place clean. We have to clean that shit up.
New Subject
AJ and I went to see Spike and Mikes Sick and Twisted Animation Festival last night. It was pretty good, but honestly, I thought the stuff they had last year was funnier. Oh well, we still had a good time at least :o)
I had to get up and go to work this morning at 9:30.... The only good part about getting there so early is that I don't have to work Saturday nights. Yes people I know that I never work doubles on Saturdays, but god. Brandon was being such an ass about it today. "It must be nice to always have Saturday nights off.... Never having to work a double on Saturday," he said. "Sorry," I replied not really caring. "Well that will change soon if I have anything to do with it." WTF dude, I mean seriously. Yes I do realize that I never have to work doubles or mids on Saturdays. Maybe if you werent such an ass about it every week I might consider picking up for you one Saturday night. The only reason I never work them is because Leo makes the schedule and he loves me. Plus he knows that I
despise them. So he just never schedules me. Plus, I was one a select few servers that was nice to him when he first came here.... so leave me the fuck alone. Grrr.... ok thats out
So anyways, well thats about it. Hope everything is well in your part of the world. Love to all!
~Auf Wiederschrieben
A Salute to Fabulous Childhood Toys!
This was written by Diana, a friend of mine from high school... I thought it kicked ass so I posted it here, I also added a link to her blog on the side bar!
This is a salute to the awesome things you had growing up if you were born sometime during or between the years of 1982 and 1987 (generation blocks are thought to be six years long; basically, if you're anywhere in or between your senior year of high school and your first year out of college right now, this applies to you).
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Fun-Dip. Hey Dude. Cabbage Patch dolls. Pogs. Power Rangers. Doug. Punky Brewster. Ooze. Recess. Pixie sticks. Pinky and the Brain. Airheads. Rainbow Brite. Double Dutch jump rope game and associated songs. Kool Aid. Magic markers. Slip'N'Slides. Saved by the Bell. Batman movies. SNICK. Are You Afraid of the Dark? McDonalds PlayPlaces. Scrunchies. Lisa Frank. Keenan and Kel. Lincoln Logs. Ring pops. My Little Pony. Sega. Mighty Ducks. Spiragraph. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Animaniacs. Magnadoodle. Spiderman. Street hockey. GI Joe. LA Lights. Etch-A-Sketch. Ghostbusters. Bobby's World. Candyland. Skip It. Mickey Mouse Club. TGIF Lineup (Boy Meets World, Family Matters, Full House, Step By Step). Water guns. Gak. N64. Goosebumps. Berenstein Bears. Rugrats. Care Bears. Paintball guns. Handy Snacks. Transformers. The era of Disney movies beginning with the Little Mermaid and ending with the Lion King. Legos. Goldeneye 64. Ducktails. The Tick. Fruit rollups. Sesame Street. Ribbon dancer. Mario Bros. Babysitters' Club. Fruit by the Foot. K'Nex. Air Nike. Reading Rainbow. The best of Fisher Price. Pound Puppies. Easy-Bake Oven. Operation. Monopoly. Silly putty. Koosh balls. Rubix cube. Where's Waldo? Chef Boyardee. Pop-tarts. Nerf balls. X-Men. Eggo waffles. Fresh Prince. Trampolines. Salute Your Shorts. Homeward Bound. Goldfish crackers.
Okay, look at that, and then try to tell me that we didn't have the best stuff of any generation thus far. Ninja Turtles - a CLASSIC! Children born after us watch the newer, sucky versions and revere those of us who were old enough to watch the original (I used to get up early on Saturday mornings for that purpose alone) and still wear Ninja Turtles paraphernalia. A theory is being constructed that states what I have said - that we as kids had the best stuff growing up, in comparison to every other generation before or after us - and attempts to prove it. If you think I forgot anything, send me a message on AIM, and I'll see if it fits the requirements to make the list. The requirements are as such: 1) It must be something relative to 'pop culture' and/or daily life: music, movies, foods, TV shows, toys, clothes, etc. 2) It must either have originated during our childhoods or had a significantly high period of popularity during our childhoods. 3) It must be awesome. For the record, Pokemon is NOT on the list and DOES NOT belong on the list because a) it's not awesome and b) most of us were at least 4 years too old for it when it came out. My evidence of this is that I used to babysit a kid who was huge into Pokemon, even though he seemed a bit old for it, and he was 5 years younger than me.
Anyway, back to the point. Our shit was cooler. Why did we have the best of everything? There are several possible explanations for this. First, the majority of the people designing these things for us and then marketing them were in their 30s or 40s. Thus, they were of proper age (~20) to smoke pot and do psychedelic drugs during the 60s and 70s and were mostly crazy and hypercreative after those experiences. That's one theory; another is that the 80s, with its cocaine outbreak and other things, gave birth to a social revolution that suggested that being slightly crazy and offbeat and extremely interesting was a good thing, not to mention stylish. A third theory is that we had just begun to learn more about the psychological dealings of children and knew how to push those buttons, and when this was combined with the steady rise of technology, revolutionary classics were born. A fourth theory (that is slightly complimentary to the third) is that the advertising industry made a shift in the 80s to serving the newly funded younger part of society, so the majority of profits came from the desires of kids and teens and thus the majority of corporate energy was focused on us.
So why do today's toys and things suck (well, at least in comparison to our stuff)? Well, we've become obsessed with technology and progression. When we didn't have that much technology to work with, we couldn't have too much of it. Now that it's everywhere, children's games and things are centered around using it in every way possible. Cartoons have whacked up character names in episodes that are too technical to be enjoyed. Look at the Ninja Turtles: they had simple weapons, classic names (Raphael, Donatello, Michaelangelo, Leonardo), and they hung out with a sewer rat named Splinter all the time. You know, because turtles and sewer rats are legendary for their long-lasting partnerships. Makes sense. The qualitis of TMNT that drove it to amazing success? Vague, classic, action-packed, curious, talking animals, simple enough so that the cartoon doesn't get lost in the technical aspects of things, as many cartoons do now. They weren't trying to create a Star Trek for kids; there were no new and strange species names to memorize, but it still played to our imaginations by testing the boundaries of belief by creating talking turtles.
Go forth and play.
Frustrated Much?
So fuck....
Yeah, that about covers my current situation right now. I don’t know what to do, I have all these conflicting feelings inside myself... my mind is telling me one thing, my heart is saying another... and my sexual needs are telling me something that I am desperately trying not to listen to.... I’ve had more ups and downs in the past 2 weeks, than I should ever have in a relationship with someone... One minute he’s telling me one thing and then acting a complete polar opposite the next time we see each other. I appreciate honesty, don’t get me wrong.. but if you’re going to say something, please stick by your words and follow then through with corresponding actions. I enjoy Andy’s company but I don’t enjoy the emotional roller coaster that I have been through. I am so angry with myself for developing feelings for someone so quickly just to have then shot down and then brought back to life a few days later. How can I change this? There are a few options, but I don’t know which one I would prefer at the moment. I just had a long conversation with AJ about this, he said some things to me that I haven’t realized yet. There’s no hope unless something changes quickly; mainly because I don’t want (or need) to put myself thru this. I went thru this shit in High School and thought that I was past this sort of thing... but here it is, in front of me once more and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore... I don’t want to. I like you damn it.... I wanted to kiss you so badly before I left tonight... but I didn’t. I am giving you what you wanted... I hope you’ve realized what this involves. Why don’t you know what you want... what’s wrong with you? Why did you seem like you were sad when I didn’t know if I felt like coming over tonight? How can I change this... once again there are only a few options...
#1 leave you alone, let you realize what you want from me
#2 continue on the path I am and risk getting hurt
#3 leave you alone for good
or #4 You admit that you want to be with me and we basically start over, even though that’s pretty much impossible because in the state of mind I am right now, you’re going to have to do a lot of make up work to cover your mistakes
One of the things AJ said to me earlier was that I need to think of why I like Andy and why I want to be with him... here are my reasons
#1 Interesting person
#2 Intelligent conversations (most of the time)
#3 He’s talented and doing what he wants to do, and is going to make something of himself
#4 I feel comfortable around him
I said this to him and basically his response was that there are many people out there who are interesting and doing things with their lives that will be more willing to include you in their lives. Good point.
I just want to know what he wants, when I know that then we can work things out and see what happens. Just fuck... I don’t know anymore... and the main problem I see is that I don’t know what I want anymore. This is a bad thing. Am I willing to try even though I don’t know if his heart is fully in it, or should I give up know and count my losses and move on. I don’t know. This would be much easier if I truly knew where he stood, but of course I don’t.
I felt like such a bitch tonight when I was leaving. Here's the mind/heart conflict again... my brain is telling me don’t be stupid don’t kiss him good bye but my heart is like come on you know you want to. FUCKER! I hate having uncertainty in my life, especially a type that I can control, but cant. I don’t deal with it as everyone can see in my past few posts. Total GRRR! Bah!
I have to ask myself is this really worth my time... does he miss me... me as in my presence or just the presence of someone around to spend time with and doesn’t get annoyed by his actions. I don’t know this. However, I do know that I need to find this out quickly or I will die because of insanity. Another problem is that I don’t know where we stand so I don’t know what I can do... I don’t mean this in a controlling sort of way, which might be what some of you are thinking... I mean I don’t know if I can see other people... or fuck other people if you will (this is where my previous statement of my sexual needs comes into play).
I have given Andy everything I can, now its his turn to make some choices... but as much as I hate to say it, if he doesn’t make any decisions soon I am going to have to make one and I don’t know if either one of us will like what that’s going to be.
Am I going to get anything out of this relationship... is he going to teach me anything about life that I don’t already know... what will I learn from him... what will he learn from me... and once again... am I worth this... is this what you call settling... once again... the uncertainty is creeping up on me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I have loved deeply before, given myself to someone completely... that is not what I am scared of... I am scared of not having someone’s heart fully be involved and wondering if I am doing this for the right reasons....
Until next time...
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
Name Game and Life Ramblings
I’m bored I guess I'll start with something interesting
SPELL UR NAME WITH THESE WORDS AND SEE WHAT YOU MEAN...
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B - You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C - You definitely have a partier side in you, don’t be shy to show it.
D - You have trouble trusting people.
E - You are a very exciting person.
F - Everyone loves you.
G - You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H - You are not judgmental.
I - You are always smiling and making others smile.
J - Jealousy.
K - You like to try new things.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
M - Success comes easily to you.
N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
O - You are very open-minded.
P - You are very friendly and understanding.
Q - You are a hypocrite.
R - You are a social butterfly.
S - You are very broad-minded.
T - You have an attitude, a big one.
U - You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V - You have a very good physical and looks.
W -You like your privacy.
X - You never let people tell you what to do.
Y - You cause a lot of trouble.
Z - You're always fighting with someone
So here’s me
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
I - You are always smiling and making others smile.
E - You are a very exciting person.
M - Success comes easily to you.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
R - You are a social butterfly.
G - You have excellent ways of viewing people.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
R - You are a social butterfly.
E - You are a very exciting person.
T - You have an attitude, a big one.
Now let’s analyze this....
A: Yes I am always quiet when something is on my mind; people usually think something wrong when this happens
N: Like to work... nah... but breaks = good!
N: same as above
I: Yes, I love to make people smile... I used to smile all the time, but that’s gone away with time... kinda sad :(
E: Id Like to think I'm an exciting person... anyone think so?
M: Nope, I always have to work for it when it comes to school and stuff, but I’m 5-0 on job interviews... I always get the job, so I guess in those terms, yes
A: already done
R: I wouldn’t consider myself a social butterfly, I like to be around people but I prefer to listen and keep to myself when I am around a bunch of people
G: I think I am great at viewing people
A: been there
R: same as before
E: done this before
T: this sounds terrible, but it doesn’t always have to be a prissy or bitchy "I’m pissed at the world" attitude, but yes I have one
So that was interesting... and yes, I know my "real" name doesn’t have an I in it, but "my" name does so hush!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Not much has happened in the past few days, just work and sleep... I haven’t seen Andy since Monday and poor guy, he got sick on Sunday night, and I had no idea because I didn’t sleep on Saturday so when I came over after work, less than half way into an episode of LOST I was out for about 16 hours... but on Friday morning I was sick and throwing up and he had no idea because he was sleeping the whole time, so I guess we're even there...
I didn’t work on Saturday morning because I slept thru the alarm clock. I still didn’t feel great, but I was going to, and my intentions were to call James, apologize profusely, tell him I was sick and I’m just now able to leave. But he assumed that I was calling in sick and got all kinds of pissed at me because I apparently called him 30 seconds in advance... which is half true, it was 9:28, but still not 2 hours in advance which we are supposed to have... oh well. So I was like fuck it, he thinks I’m calling in sick, if I show up Ill be in a shitty section anyway so screw it, back to bed. Then Andy and I spent the day together, watched LOST (the best TV show EVER!) went to dinner all that fun stuff.
On Tuesday the Dallas Wind Symphony is performing Masalanka's (he totally kicks ass) Clarinet Concerto... and as everyone knows, I still have bit of a classical music nerd in me, so I’m going! I don’t know if Andy is coming, he said it depends on work and all that stuff, but Austin and I are definitely going... so I’m uber excited! I can’t wait. Austin wants to go out before and get dinner but it depends on my money situation at that point in time... so yeah...
Also, I’ve decided that I am going to have the most awesomest 21st birthday party EVER! MAY 18! It’s a Wednesday night everyone... Were probably going to go to dinner somewhere in downtown Dallas, and then were going to La Bare... It’s going to be totally awesome... I’m so excited, I can’t wait... I still have over a month, I know, but I’ve already been telling my friends about it so they can get off work and such. I’m going to be so drunk and it’s going to be LEGAL! I’m so excited...
Well so much for not knowing if I was going to do a real post or not... hehe
Hope all is well in your part of the world... until next time... much love to all!
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
Beziehung und Bestürzung
Just because I have feelings for you does not mean that we have to be in a serious "whens the wedding" relationship... all I want is the chance to learn about you and explore where things could go. Dont freak out on me. If it doesnt last forever, thats fine, forever is too long of a time to think about right now. Were both 20, we have all of our lives to worry about forever. Lets just be happy. We both know we enjoy eachother's company and doing other things so lets let it be what it is and stop analyzing every single detail. lets go out, have fun together and do what we have been doing, take things as they come and look at them for what they are but dont tear everything to pieces in your head until you become confused again. Im happy spending time with you and sleeping next to you. Let it be what it is, life has a way of working things out, just dont freak out on a weekly basis and things will be okay.
~Auf Wiederschrieben
