I Wish I Could Go Far, Far Away
I have this incredible urge to move somewhere far far away, I only wish I could do it soon. Im sick of my life here, people, work, money, everything. I want to just go somewhere and give myself a fresh start. If only i could win the lottery... people say money cant buy you happiness, but it can buy you a nice car and u call pull right up to it. Im just not happy right now. I dont know what it is.. well thats a lie, I do know. If I had the money in the bank, I would love to go somehwere new, someplace like Chicago, or NYC, or god knows where, just away from here. Ive been in this mood for about a week now. As stated in my previous post, I think my time here is about at an end. Everyone has left or is leaving, I dont want to leave for that reason, but I just want to get away. Theres nothing left here for me... I dont think I will be able to get back to school again this fall... its not busy enough at work for me to be able to get done what I need to before I get there... however, today was a lot busier than it has been... but god... it still isnt enough... I want to go somewhere, where I dont know anyone... make a brand new set of friends and live my life the way I want to without the history that i have keeping me from my happiness here. And yes, I do realize I have made descions, some good, some stupid as fuck, that have brought me to where I am today... however, you cant regret anything, because as Ive said before, all that does is put u in a downward spiral of shit and it doesnt help anything. I want to make a new future, move on, start somewhere new and get things done the way I want them to be. I feel like Im not growing a person in the place I am right now. I feel like im stuck and I cant do anything about it. I know that moving somewhere new wont cure all of that, but it would help witht he growing as person. I dont think there is anything more exciting and scary at the same time than moving somewhere where I dont know anyone and have to do everything for myself. I think that would make me grow immaculate amounts in a small amount of time. I want out of here. Im not happy where I am. Yes, there is a lot of shit other than the place I live that dont make me happy... as I said before, its people, work, and so and so and so on... I dont know... Ive been in this wierd place for the past few days and I wish I could fix it, but I dont know what to do or how to fix it... grr! Ok I think Im done, enough for now...
Thanks for letting me vent to whoever is reading this
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
My Thoughts... Here You Go
Have you ever stopped for a second in your daily life and realize how much everything around has changed? How everyone seems so different from just a few short years ago. I look at my close friends, some I have lost contact with over time, some I still speak to somewhere between weekly and daily. But we are all so different. Its hard for me to think that I am different as well. I know I am, I feel as though I have grown as person, I am stronger, I am able to stand up for my beliefs a little more now, and I’m not so much of a push over. But now, I feel like everyone has moved on from this place... Jens leaving for Austin in August, Cathleen left for St Louis long ago, Elizabeth is getting married in December to a wonderful boy... and AJ is leaving to Rochester in August. And what am I doing? I love all my friends, I am extremely happy that they have made choices in their lives and they are all getting closer to where they want to be... but what am I doing? I wait tables, trying to get back into school... I know that eventually I will. I was hoping to be able to come back in the fall, but unless business picks up at work, I wont be able to pay off the money I owe enough so I can pay off what I owe and have my financial aid pay off the rest... and at the same time, get my current situations caught up and manageable. I know it will pick up, plus I NEED to get better at saving money and not spending so much on stuff that isn’t as important as rent and car payments. I want to be better at this....
Back to the friends moving on.... the more I think about it, the more I think that my time here is done with. Its not just because all my friends are leaving and I'm "alone" because I know that I am not... but sometimes, I feel like its my time to move on as well. But where would I go? What in the world would I do? Id prefer to finish up school and go to grad school somewhere... but honestly, I don’t know when that will be happening right now. As stated above, I need to get money with school straight first.... How long could that take? My hope would be by August, so I can continue on with my life and not spend all my time working and do something interesting with my time.
I love all my friends dearly, and I know I will miss some more than others. With Jen.... I love you like you were my sister, (I know that sounds so cliché) but you have done so much for me as my friend, and I thank you for that. You’ve let me make my mistakes but you never hold them against me... for that I love you. I know you are going to Austin because its better for you and what you want to do, and I am extremely happy for you, and I am glad that you’re taking the necessary steps in your life to achieve your goals...
And my dearest AJ... you know what you mean to me. I love you very much, I'll miss you terribly, my life without you here will change drastically... I know I have been without you before, but you wont be physically near anymore... that has always been some sort of comfort to me... even if we weren’t speaking I knew you were a short car ride away and if I needed you, I could just get in my car and see you. But now you’ll be in Rochester... not just a short car ride away anymore. I am so proud of you for achieving your dreams and taking the necessary steps to get there... You have to go, I know this, but that wont make me miss you any less. You will achieve so much, and for this, I am happy to know you and be able to call you my friend... but it will be different now, and I’m not sure if I am honestly ready to deal with this difference. But as stated before I know this is something you have to do, and I know this is the right thing for you to do... and there is no way in hell that I would even attempt to keep you here... I am just saying my feelings, and if you happen to read this I just want you to know them. You’re an absolutely wonderful person, I am happy to know you and I will miss you greatly. I know I have some time before you leave to make this adjustment as well... so maybe when you actually leave I wont have such drastic feelings... or I can hide them better... who knows....
I think that is enough for now... love you all
~Auf Wierderschrieben!
My Life as an Alcoholic... and Other Tales
Well, maybe I’m not what you would consider a
true alcoholic, however, since my 21st birthday almost a month ago, I have gone very few days without a drink. I think I can count them on one hand. No, by no means am I am alchie, but I am thoroughly enjoying being 21 and being able to drink... honestly, I was never much into drinking before, mostly because I didn’t see a point in fake IDs... yes I had my fair share of friends buy me stuff occasionally, but nothing over the top. But since I have turned 21, I am now well known to the liquor store and have had a decent number of good times with friends over drinks....
My 21st birthday was a blast... A bunch of friends and I went to Dicks Last Resort in the West End to eat dinner, and get some drinks down before we went to see mostly nakey men at La Bare... The whole night was fabulous! It was great fun. I never thought that I would have as much fun as I did at La Bare, however, I must say that it was a total blast. I think the official drink count came to 27 between 6pm and about 1:45 am.... yes that’s a lot, and yes, I did puke up a good number of them when I got home.... but hey it was my 21st birthday... what the hell else was I supposed to do.
The next day AJ took me to dinner for my birthday at Carrabas... great food. I had never been there before. Then he gave me my birthday surprise, and I think I shall spare you all the details... you’d prefer it that way... trust me ;) Then the following day AJ took me on my first trip to the liquor store, where he bought me $50 worth of stuff and we later went to wal mart for some mixers and had a good time at home later that evening.
Other than that, I am really enjoying my life right now... of course there’s still some issues with myself that I need to get resolved... but most of it is going fairly well. Andy’s movie premiered last night and of course Jen and I went to support him, even though it was the 2nd time se saw it, and the 100th for me. But it was good. He was very pleased and I was very happy and proud of him. He put a lot of work into that movie and he deserved the praise he received.
Sunday night Carly and I went to the Bright Eyes concert... however, we had a work meeting at 8:30, the concert started at 8. We were planning on leaving sometime during the meeting, because we HAD to show up, or else wed risk getting fired, and we really didn’t know much about the opening band. Well we were supposed to take a new menu test at work during the meeting, but because it took too long and we started 45 minutes late, we never took the test. So we waited thru 95% percent of the meeting and then got the hell out of there. If we knew we weren’t going to be taking the test, we would have just came, signed in and left, but alas, we couldn’t... we had to suffer through the pain of listening to all our managers go on and on about shit they bitch at us everyday for... just more drawn out. Really shitty, if you as my opinion. One of the kitchen managers, John, was talking about how we shouldn’t curse in the kitchen or back area because customers can hear us and complain.... yes, I do understand this... however, he is the one who does most of the yelling and he cusses at us? If you know me well, you know I hate hypocrites... and that my friends, is one of the many in the world. He’s such an ass.... grr.... anyways....
Some stuff is going on that I want to know more about, but I think I just have to be patient and wait for it to come to me, and when the time is right it will, and I believe that everything (well almost everything) will fall into place. I don’t mean that to sound too fairy tale or anything... but it makes sense to me. However, I am curious, but that curiosity can wait :o) I am in love with someone, but I don’t know if they know the extent to which it is... and I’m not sure of their feelings... but no matter what... as of this moment, I am happy with where things are and I don’t want them to change, except maybe to progress from where they are now. Just so you know, just so I know, just so we know... I am happy and I am loving what we are right now, I don’t need anything more to tell me that.
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
One Hell of a Week
So I guess lets start with Monday...
James had asked me to pick up Monday morning because they apparently it was going to be busy. I came in at 11:30 and was cut by 12:30. Angela had to work a pm and I was still debating if I wanted to pick up at night or not so I just hung around with her... I was her shopping buddy and then we went to see Hitch. By the time that was over it way about 4ish so she did a little more shopping and then I decided to head home. I just wasn’t in the mood to work. So I sat in shitty traffic the whole was home because dumb me left during rush hour.... grrr. And the whole was home I was thinking about my feelings towards someone and how frustrated I am with myself and our "relationship" because 1. I didn’t know what it was and 2. I couldn't keep lying to myself about my feelings. I called him on Sunday night and said I need to talk to you, its very important. So he called me later on Monday night and I went to Arlington and we talked. I was having issues, like usual, with speaking when it comes to my feelings. I eventually said it... I'm still in love with you and I can’t lie to myself anymore. There it’s out in the open now. I also told him how frustrated I was because I didn’t know what were... if we were just fuck buddies or more than that. So in a short version... were dating. Which means that we can both see other people, I don’t know if I could deal with him seeing another girl. I think Id get hurt. We'll see.... I was like why can’t we just be normal?? He said, well I think this is the most normal we have ever been. I guess he’s right... but its still so frustrating when you know you love someone and can't have them is your.... however, I wouldn’t think of that as needy, I do love him.... ok done with that....
On to Tuesday....
I worked a pm since I didn’t make any money on the supposed "busy" day, so I went and picked up. I was gonna meet AJ and Ryan at Saltgrass, so I told Phatima that I would take her home since it’s basically on the way. No big deal. We stopped at the chevron we always stop at on the way to her house. I get in the left hand lane which is straight or left, because right after the light you have to take this little road to get to 360 (where she lives). Well the light turns green and this guy in the lane next to me turns left in front of me from the fucking center lane which is straight only! I hit his rear driver’s side door and fucked up the front right side of my car. He immediately drove off so we followed him, got the license plate info because we thought he was driving off. He ended up pulling into a parking lot and we followed. He got out of his car and said "What the fuck happened?!?" I was like excuse me; you tell me what the fuck happened. He claimed that my lane was left only and his was straight or left.... I argued with him knowing it was his fault and I was right because I take that way every time I take Phatima home from work. He gave up. I asked him for his insurance stuff and he didn’t have any because he said it was "his moms car" aka code for I don’t have any. I got a phone number from him and gave him mine... I think his is fake, because I’ve never gotten anyone to pick up when I call him and he still has yet to call me. Stupid... I didn’t give him my info because he didn’t have any, and he could have filed a claim on me and I couldn’t do anything about my problem! Grr again! We left, and I called Nancy and told her about it. She wasn’t mad or anything, she wouldn’t have any reason to because it’s not my fault.... but still its annoying. I went on to take Phatima home and went to Saltgrass with AJ and then came home... that’s that for Tuesday...
On to Wednesday....
My mom had called me on Tuesday night because her father is in the hospital in Oklahoma City and she needed a way to get up there since my aunt had already left. I talked to my brother and he said he would drive from Denton if I got up there. I didn’t really want to drive right after being in an accident. So we went up there. It was really awkward because I really didn’t know my grandfather. I haven’t seen him since my mom had a heart attack when I was in Junior High. So I felt really out of place. Jeff and I spent most of our time in the waiting room. We left after a little while because my mom had told me that she didn’t want to stay too long so she didn’t freak out and start crying uncontrollably. We drove home, my brother was his usual selfish self... and it was annoying to drive with him because he kept bitching about everything. We finally got home about 9ish and I took my car to Nancy's and they looked at the damage from the accident. Nancy doesn’t think its worth enough to even cover the deductible so we might not even make a claim unless that guy calls anytime soon.... its not bad, its just a pretty issue and the passenger door makes a terrible sound when you open it....
Thursday....
I was sleeping great until I got a phone call from my Aunt about 1pm saying that my grandfather had taken turn for the worst and we needed to get to OKC ASAP. I had no money, mom had no money... we ended up borrowing some money from Donna for gas to get us there and back. It took us forever to leave because we had to wait till we knew we had money and yeah... we didn’t end up leaving till almost 3:30 or 4. We were about 15 miles outside of OKC when my Aunt called again at 6:30 saying that he had passed away at 5:10. My mom didn’t want to go in the first place, so she wanted to just turn around and head back. But she said that we needed to come... so we did. It took us forever to find the hospital because the directions she gave us were totally fucked up... so we went back the way we had come the previous day and got horribly lost because we missed the exit and then took a road that went parallel to the road we were looking for... a terrible mess. We finally got there my aunt was pissed at us because we took so long. I was then mad at her. Oh well. We didn’t stay that long because there wasn’t much we could do... plus the guy from the funeral home was waiting to take him there. So on the way back we stopped in Norman went to Joes Crab Shack and then met my friend Leah at Starbucks, which was a highlight of the trip. Then we went straight back. It was totally dark because we left Starbucks about 10pm... So we got home about 1 am and I came home and went straight to sleep...
Now for Friday...
I didn’t do anything at all until AJ and I went to see King Fu Hustle.... which is very funny! I loved it, and plus, it was actually a good movie. We came back to my apt and Jen and had invited a bunch of people over. So there went my hopes for having any fun... he left about 2ish, I think, and then I went to bed.... good day
Saturday....
I traded Rich for his double because I needed the money like crazy bad. I know Saturdays suck, so I wasn’t expecting much. But I really didn’t want to work almost 12 hours! I got there at 11:30am and was walking out the back door at 11pm. People who got there at 3 were finishing and leaving before me. I totally bitched out Brandie, the host, in front of some tables and I really didn’t care. It was bullshit that I was still there just getting tables when there are people who have been there 1/2 the time I have that are cleaning their sections so they can get out of there. I made decent money, not what I would have asked for, but oh well...
Sunday...
After working almost 12 hours I woke up and opened at 9:30am. It wasn’t a bad day... after work I went to AJs grandparents’ house and his grandfather and Donna changed my oil because I had to drive to OKC one more time for the funeral today. Plus it needed it anyways. It took us awhile but when it was all done, we had dinner and AJ, his grandmother, Donna and I talked for a bit and then he had to leave to go tutor. So then I headed back to Plano because I had to get up early this morning for a long drive.
Today...
I woke up a little bit late but I just took quick shower to make up for it. I went to my moms picked up her, tom, and Jeff and we made out way to okc. I had to speed most of the way because we got a late start because we had wait for Jeff. We got the funeral home after driving the wrong way down a street because stupid map quest gave us the wrong directions. Once again... total weirdness. I am kind of angry because I didn’t know him at all. People kept talking about the things he had done. Apparently he worked for the USAF at Tinker Air Force Base as an engineer and he even had a patent for a safety compartment on the B52 bombers. Did I know this.... no. He sounded like he was a really great person but I had no idea who he was and he had no idea what I did. His 2nd wife, my step grandmother, is mostly to blame for this... and that makes me so angry. She’s done a lot of wrong things to my mom too, which also bothers me. His step grandkids knew him better than I did. Grrr! Well so we left there and made our way back one last time. My brother kept bitching about how he was hungry but he had no money. Stop bitching... just ask if someone would buy you dinner and let that be it. I don’t respond well to bitchiness or whining. So we got back... in one piece... barely. And now I’m here and I don’t want to get in my car if at all possible tomorrow, but I will because I have to pick up at work because I still need money for rent.
Alrighty kids... Hope all is well in your part of the world. Love to all!
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
The Enchanted Forest
Ok So Wednesday night I had a table, it was one of the kid's birthdays... not abnormal
They had brought the gifts as well... not abnormal
One of the presents has some glitter in it and the child thought it would be funny (Im guessing) to pout the bag with the glitter in it all over the floor.... ABNORMAL!
WTF? The parents didn't seem to care either... it was all over the chair, the girls clothes (dont care about that) and it covered the floor around that table. And because I had to walk thru it, it got all over (and it still all over) my shoes. Because it was all over the floor, anyone else that walked by or around that table got it on their shoes, thus tracking it all over the restaurant.
I tried to sweep up what I could, but those of you who have played with glitter before know that is thin and impossible to get off the floor. All it accomplished was getting some of it in the broom and not much off the floor... thus ruining the broom. So when I was ready to leave I talked to Lee and said...
"A troll committed suicide by my table and his insides are every where and I cant get them off the floor."
He told me to just leave it alone and in the morning when they clean the floors it should come up. However... it didnt... its still there and expanding. So now, weve decided that its part of the floor and the rainforest is now an enchanted forest because its all sparkly!
Side note: Anyone who has kids or ever wants them... please dont let them throw shit all over the floor... someone has to clean it up. Glitter has by far been the worst, but anything from cheerios to wrapping paper... is it really that hard to keep on the table. Yes, and I do realize that children make a mess... but it cant be that hard to help keep the place clean. We have to clean that shit up.
New Subject
AJ and I went to see Spike and Mikes Sick and Twisted Animation Festival last night. It was pretty good, but honestly, I thought the stuff they had last year was funnier. Oh well, we still had a good time at least :o)
I had to get up and go to work this morning at 9:30.... The only good part about getting there so early is that I don't have to work Saturday nights. Yes people I know that I never work doubles on Saturdays, but god. Brandon was being such an ass about it today. "It must be nice to always have Saturday nights off.... Never having to work a double on Saturday," he said. "Sorry," I replied not really caring. "Well that will change soon if I have anything to do with it." WTF dude, I mean seriously. Yes I do realize that I never have to work doubles or mids on Saturdays. Maybe if you werent such an ass about it every week I might consider picking up for you one Saturday night. The only reason I never work them is because Leo makes the schedule and he loves me. Plus he knows that I
despise them. So he just never schedules me. Plus, I was one a select few servers that was nice to him when he first came here.... so leave me the fuck alone. Grrr.... ok thats out
So anyways, well thats about it. Hope everything is well in your part of the world. Love to all!
~Auf Wiederschrieben
