I Wish I Could Go Far, Far Away
I have this incredible urge to move somewhere far far away, I only wish I could do it soon. Im sick of my life here, people, work, money, everything. I want to just go somewhere and give myself a fresh start. If only i could win the lottery... people say money cant buy you happiness, but it can buy you a nice car and u call pull right up to it. Im just not happy right now. I dont know what it is.. well thats a lie, I do know. If I had the money in the bank, I would love to go somehwere new, someplace like Chicago, or NYC, or god knows where, just away from here. Ive been in this mood for about a week now. As stated in my previous post, I think my time here is about at an end. Everyone has left or is leaving, I dont want to leave for that reason, but I just want to get away. Theres nothing left here for me... I dont think I will be able to get back to school again this fall... its not busy enough at work for me to be able to get done what I need to before I get there... however, today was a lot busier than it has been... but god... it still isnt enough... I want to go somewhere, where I dont know anyone... make a brand new set of friends and live my life the way I want to without the history that i have keeping me from my happiness here. And yes, I do realize I have made descions, some good, some stupid as fuck, that have brought me to where I am today... however, you cant regret anything, because as Ive said before, all that does is put u in a downward spiral of shit and it doesnt help anything. I want to make a new future, move on, start somewhere new and get things done the way I want them to be. I feel like Im not growing a person in the place I am right now. I feel like im stuck and I cant do anything about it. I know that moving somewhere new wont cure all of that, but it would help witht he growing as person. I dont think there is anything more exciting and scary at the same time than moving somewhere where I dont know anyone and have to do everything for myself. I think that would make me grow immaculate amounts in a small amount of time. I want out of here. Im not happy where I am. Yes, there is a lot of shit other than the place I live that dont make me happy... as I said before, its people, work, and so and so and so on... I dont know... Ive been in this wierd place for the past few days and I wish I could fix it, but I dont know what to do or how to fix it... grr! Ok I think Im done, enough for now...
Thanks for letting me vent to whoever is reading this
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
My Thoughts... Here You Go
Have you ever stopped for a second in your daily life and realize how much everything around has changed? How everyone seems so different from just a few short years ago. I look at my close friends, some I have lost contact with over time, some I still speak to somewhere between weekly and daily. But we are all so different. Its hard for me to think that I am different as well. I know I am, I feel as though I have grown as person, I am stronger, I am able to stand up for my beliefs a little more now, and I’m not so much of a push over. But now, I feel like everyone has moved on from this place... Jens leaving for Austin in August, Cathleen left for St Louis long ago, Elizabeth is getting married in December to a wonderful boy... and AJ is leaving to Rochester in August. And what am I doing? I love all my friends, I am extremely happy that they have made choices in their lives and they are all getting closer to where they want to be... but what am I doing? I wait tables, trying to get back into school... I know that eventually I will. I was hoping to be able to come back in the fall, but unless business picks up at work, I wont be able to pay off the money I owe enough so I can pay off what I owe and have my financial aid pay off the rest... and at the same time, get my current situations caught up and manageable. I know it will pick up, plus I NEED to get better at saving money and not spending so much on stuff that isn’t as important as rent and car payments. I want to be better at this....
Back to the friends moving on.... the more I think about it, the more I think that my time here is done with. Its not just because all my friends are leaving and I'm "alone" because I know that I am not... but sometimes, I feel like its my time to move on as well. But where would I go? What in the world would I do? Id prefer to finish up school and go to grad school somewhere... but honestly, I don’t know when that will be happening right now. As stated above, I need to get money with school straight first.... How long could that take? My hope would be by August, so I can continue on with my life and not spend all my time working and do something interesting with my time.
I love all my friends dearly, and I know I will miss some more than others. With Jen.... I love you like you were my sister, (I know that sounds so cliché) but you have done so much for me as my friend, and I thank you for that. You’ve let me make my mistakes but you never hold them against me... for that I love you. I know you are going to Austin because its better for you and what you want to do, and I am extremely happy for you, and I am glad that you’re taking the necessary steps in your life to achieve your goals...
And my dearest AJ... you know what you mean to me. I love you very much, I'll miss you terribly, my life without you here will change drastically... I know I have been without you before, but you wont be physically near anymore... that has always been some sort of comfort to me... even if we weren’t speaking I knew you were a short car ride away and if I needed you, I could just get in my car and see you. But now you’ll be in Rochester... not just a short car ride away anymore. I am so proud of you for achieving your dreams and taking the necessary steps to get there... You have to go, I know this, but that wont make me miss you any less. You will achieve so much, and for this, I am happy to know you and be able to call you my friend... but it will be different now, and I’m not sure if I am honestly ready to deal with this difference. But as stated before I know this is something you have to do, and I know this is the right thing for you to do... and there is no way in hell that I would even attempt to keep you here... I am just saying my feelings, and if you happen to read this I just want you to know them. You’re an absolutely wonderful person, I am happy to know you and I will miss you greatly. I know I have some time before you leave to make this adjustment as well... so maybe when you actually leave I wont have such drastic feelings... or I can hide them better... who knows....
I think that is enough for now... love you all
~Auf Wierderschrieben!
My Life as an Alcoholic... and Other Tales
Well, maybe I’m not what you would consider a
true alcoholic, however, since my 21st birthday almost a month ago, I have gone very few days without a drink. I think I can count them on one hand. No, by no means am I am alchie, but I am thoroughly enjoying being 21 and being able to drink... honestly, I was never much into drinking before, mostly because I didn’t see a point in fake IDs... yes I had my fair share of friends buy me stuff occasionally, but nothing over the top. But since I have turned 21, I am now well known to the liquor store and have had a decent number of good times with friends over drinks....
My 21st birthday was a blast... A bunch of friends and I went to Dicks Last Resort in the West End to eat dinner, and get some drinks down before we went to see mostly nakey men at La Bare... The whole night was fabulous! It was great fun. I never thought that I would have as much fun as I did at La Bare, however, I must say that it was a total blast. I think the official drink count came to 27 between 6pm and about 1:45 am.... yes that’s a lot, and yes, I did puke up a good number of them when I got home.... but hey it was my 21st birthday... what the hell else was I supposed to do.
The next day AJ took me to dinner for my birthday at Carrabas... great food. I had never been there before. Then he gave me my birthday surprise, and I think I shall spare you all the details... you’d prefer it that way... trust me ;) Then the following day AJ took me on my first trip to the liquor store, where he bought me $50 worth of stuff and we later went to wal mart for some mixers and had a good time at home later that evening.
Other than that, I am really enjoying my life right now... of course there’s still some issues with myself that I need to get resolved... but most of it is going fairly well. Andy’s movie premiered last night and of course Jen and I went to support him, even though it was the 2nd time se saw it, and the 100th for me. But it was good. He was very pleased and I was very happy and proud of him. He put a lot of work into that movie and he deserved the praise he received.
Sunday night Carly and I went to the Bright Eyes concert... however, we had a work meeting at 8:30, the concert started at 8. We were planning on leaving sometime during the meeting, because we HAD to show up, or else wed risk getting fired, and we really didn’t know much about the opening band. Well we were supposed to take a new menu test at work during the meeting, but because it took too long and we started 45 minutes late, we never took the test. So we waited thru 95% percent of the meeting and then got the hell out of there. If we knew we weren’t going to be taking the test, we would have just came, signed in and left, but alas, we couldn’t... we had to suffer through the pain of listening to all our managers go on and on about shit they bitch at us everyday for... just more drawn out. Really shitty, if you as my opinion. One of the kitchen managers, John, was talking about how we shouldn’t curse in the kitchen or back area because customers can hear us and complain.... yes, I do understand this... however, he is the one who does most of the yelling and he cusses at us? If you know me well, you know I hate hypocrites... and that my friends, is one of the many in the world. He’s such an ass.... grr.... anyways....
Some stuff is going on that I want to know more about, but I think I just have to be patient and wait for it to come to me, and when the time is right it will, and I believe that everything (well almost everything) will fall into place. I don’t mean that to sound too fairy tale or anything... but it makes sense to me. However, I am curious, but that curiosity can wait :o) I am in love with someone, but I don’t know if they know the extent to which it is... and I’m not sure of their feelings... but no matter what... as of this moment, I am happy with where things are and I don’t want them to change, except maybe to progress from where they are now. Just so you know, just so I know, just so we know... I am happy and I am loving what we are right now, I don’t need anything more to tell me that.
~Auf Wiederschrieben!
